Why Are You Afraid of Sex?

This could happen for many reasons including childhood abuse, parents who had issues around sex, an extremely religious upbringing, and many other reasons. And before anyone accuses us of religious bashing, we’re not talking about all religions or all religious followers, only the extreme, pathological cases. Prostate massagers are male sex toys that were designed to stimulate the prostate gland.

The point here is that there are many reasons that someone could reach adulthood and literally be afraid of sex.


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So what do you do when you are this person, and you’re in a wonderful relationship? Just imagine the self-doubt and worry that you would feel – wanting to please your partner but being completely unable to do so…

Here are a few suggestions on how to overcome these fears.
Educate Yourself on Your Body and Sexuality

Educate yourself about your body, sexuality, and the emotions around sex. Read books, go to seminars, look online – whatever you have to do to truly understand your body and sex.

This may seem unrelated, but I had an incredible fear of spiders, especially wolf spiders. They seemed to be everywhere. Until… One day I went to the Science Museum with my 7 year old daughter and they just happened to be doing a feature on spiders. I learned so much that day and with this new knowledge my fear of spiders was erased. I now politely help them back outside when they come in the house, rather than splattering them into oblivion.
Knowledge is power and with knowledge comes acceptance.

Where are these feelings of fear coming from? It’s absolutely crucial for you to find the origin of these feelings and deal with them. Whether it’s childhood abuse or being raised by parents who genuinely believe sex is evil, the most important thing you can do is understand where this fear is really coming from.

Only then can you deal with those emotions, accept yourself, be at peace, and move on with your life – free of this restraint.
See a Traditional Therapist

A good therapist working closely with you should be able to help you find the underlying source, or at least to get an idea where to look. When seeking a therapist, be aware of… any biases they may have. Every human being has biases, and it’s important to always understand the bias of someone you’re dealing with.
Consult a Clinical Hypnotherapist

Hypnotherapy is a little on the fringe and “out there” for many people, but it can definitely work wonders. It certainly has for us. What we really like about hypnotherapy, is that you can often find the root of a problem in just a few sessions, as opposed to visiting a traditional therapist for months on end.

Since hypnotherapy is not mainstream enough that you can go to a hospital and get treatment, be sure to see someone who’s had some verifiable training and is a certified clinical hypnotherapist. And no, you can’t be hypnotized into doing anything you wouldn’t be open to doing anyway, that’s just in the movies. What a hypnotherapist will do is help you achieve a very relaxed state so that you will be more comfortable dealing with some of your more deep seated issues. But if it makes you feel better, you can take a trusted friend or relative with you (as I did).

Certainly both therapist and hypnotherapists have their place and benefits, but our focus here is discovering the core underlying issue quickly. Then you can visit a traditional therapist to deal with your emotions as they come up over the long term.
Try some emotional clearing to find the source yourself.

It’s hard for us to find the root of our own faults because we shield ourselves from harm or pain. Our minds easily avoid the real reasons for our problems unless we make a truly focused effort, and even then it’s very hard to come up with anything useful – unless you seek help from an unbiased external source.

A really great book to read on this is “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die” by Carol Truman. It’s an easy read, but it should help you find and heal the real buried feelings and emotions behind the problems you’re experiencing.

Ultimately, your best bet if you really WANT to get this resolved is to go through all 3 of these approaches, and then really focus on the one that is working best for you.
Can you overcome your FEAR of sex before it’s too late and you lose your husband to another woman?

This is hard to say… It depends on your husband, or boyfriend, and the strength of your relationship. Remember, love is not sex and sex is not love. Don’t focus on what you might lose. It’s more important to focus on getting help for yourself first. Only then will you truly be able enjoy a sexual relationship with another person.

A year in reading

It seems that ‘inspired by’ is the term to use when one is shamelessly borrowing another’s good idea. With that in mind, this post is inspired by/pinched from Sean Lotman’s wonderful post of the same name. You are encouraged to take a look at the original as well as this weak derivative.Buy sex toys on sex sop.

An earlier post on ten minutes hate details my early designation as the family bookworm and the part that public libraries have played in creating my reading habits. There are times when a ‘to read’ list is put into use, but more often it is the joy of discovering something unintended that makes a trip to the library worthwhile. So it was around the time that borrowing took over from buying books that, realising that some gems would no doubt be forgotten along the way, I started making a note of titles and authors as I travelled.


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The writer, engrossed in a book, Singapore, Christmas 2010

Looking at my list, the first failure to note is that it doesn’t come close to Mr Lotman’s staggering 42 books. Shamefully, mine is barely half that. It is interesting that in the comments to the original post, the balance between reading and writing is mentioned and it is true that, for the first half of the year at least, writing took up almost every available moment of my free time. Then there was the temptation of reading long-form journalism on my phone instead of carrying physical books on commutes and journeys. Although some of the listed books were read on a Kindle app (being too lazy to buy yet another gadget) the majority of them were paper and ink and, however much technology adds to other areas of my life, I foresee that continuing.

Another notable trend is that, while reading will always be something done primarily for pleasure, there are words here that I took a more professional interest in. Mr Lotman talks about the joy of reading, saying that often, too many readers see it:

as a way to pass the time rather than an action worthwhile for its own sake.

Usually I would be in complete agreement, however other motivations for reading have intruded this year. My list contains a few books that were of interest for research purposes, or read in draft stage and edited, or – in perhaps the biggest leap of personal development – read in order to develop a hopefully interesting and stimulating literature curriculum. Teaching classes based on loved books, having hated everything school forced me to read in English class, was at times tough, although ultimately enjoyable. Still, it is rare for a book that you feel you ought to be reading to become as much of a favourite as one you are free to delight in.

This joy of discovery shows in the publication dates of many of these titles, few are contemporary, perhaps only a couple would have been marked ‘the book of the moment’ or reviewed by a Sunday newspaper. That is due to distance: picking up books via second-hand bookshops and swapping with fellow expats tends to rule out hardbacks and new releases. Many of my list were gifts or recommendations and there is something lovely about hearing ‘I think you will enjoy this book’ from a friend before finding that to be true.

Here then is my list of books read in 2012, in chronological order, with links to reviews I wrote along the way and some further thoughts following:

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Let’s Start Again, ABCTales short story compilation
Hana Walker’s Half-Life 2:46, Our Man in Abiko
Babylon Revisited, F. Scott Fitzgerald
Musings of a Monkey, Steven
Hunger, Knut Hamsun
The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
Moonraker, Ian Fleming
Mourning Ruby, Helen Dunmore
The Mammy, Brendan O’Carroll
Bon Voyage, Mr President, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A View from the Chuo Line, Donald Richie
The Maginot Line, Fiction Desk short story compilation
Care of Wooden Floors, Will Wiles

I managed 24 books, two for each month. Four were re-reads, six were ebooks, eight were purchased by me and the rest were passed on by friends.

Impossible to choose one favourite, but the books by Doris Lessing, Wu Ming and Knut Hamsun were particularly enjoyable, for wildly different reasons. With Lessing taking her ‘pursuit’ into a post-War London suburb, the Wu Ming viewing the American Revolution from an unconventional perspective and Hamsun’s anti-hero lurching around late 19th century Kristiania (Oslo), my love of stories set outside my own time is clearly demonstrated. Despite their differing subject matter, all three were lively, gripping tales, fascinating and relevant.

Finally, it is with a sense of guilt that I note that there are five downloaded but yet to be either started or finished books lurking on my Kindle app. This is something that I hope to address very shortly, as an extended holiday break in England with typically wintry weather offers little incentive to venture outdoors. With a little luck, 2013′s list will offer even more gems than this one.

Enjoy Sex Life With Sex Toys

It is safe and enjoyable to have sex with adult toys for both men and women who are craving for sex or who stay as single for a long time. Adult toys help to achieve a rocking orgasm with much ease; in addition they are also completely safest. It prevents the spreading of unwanted diseases like STD, HIV, HBV, HCV and many more. You can maintain a healthy sexual life and avoid the risk of getting depressed after having sex with multiple partners. Sex toys can also be used by couples to enjoy sex to the maximum whenever they need. Most of the sex toys are light in weight and are portable in nature. It can be carried anywhere; while you travel or go out for a vacation as they are mostly handy and do not occupy large space for storage.

Sex toys are of different types such as dildos, inflatable toys (sex dolls), cock rings, flash light etc. Dildos come in different varieties and shapes. Dildos for women are crafted to have the same feel and shape as that of a real penis. It offers complete satisfaction than a real male penis during sexual activity. Few penises are designed to the real shape of porn star penises as most women and girls or fond of it. It never makes you feel tired and you can play with it for a long time. It makes any women completely wet and helps to reach her orgasm to the fullest. Few dildos have the same ridges of glans with testicles, they also have thick veins as those present in a real penis. Dildos come in different shapes and size to fit you snugly, curved dildos are especially available for enhanced stimulation and it can be used for g-spot stimulation to achieve orgasm within a short period of time.

Anal dildos are specially designed for anal penetration; they come in slimline as well as thicker size to facilitate easy penetration. They can be easily thrusted for deep penetration and you can enjoy the anal sex to the fullest. Anal stimulation can be easily achieved with these spring type anal dildos, they are easy to use and are completely safer.

Adult love dolls are most popular with men; it can be deflated when not in use or while travelling and can be inflated whenever required. Life sized inflatable toys have almost all features as that of a real women. Few of them are in built with electronic equipments and they respond to stimuli as a women or girl. These love dolls can please men and you can sleep together holding her close. Cock rings are specially made rings that are placed at the base of the penis, they allow so flow of blood to the organ and helps to maintain erection for a longer period of time. 

Choosing An Engagement Ring To Fit Her Style.

Good news, guys: the hard part is over. Finding the perfect engagement ring is so much easier than finding the perfect woman. (Presumably, you have already found this perfect woman, right? Because I might suggested holding off on purchasing the former until you have secured the latter). But you’re not in the clear just yet. This is kind of like a test or a midterm, to be more accurate. How well do you really know your girlfriend and, subsequently, her tastes?

If She Is Traditional

Opt for the classic engagement ring style: the solitaire setting with a round- or princess-cut diamond. The solitaire has been a consistently popular choice for decades because of its simplicity (but with the right diamond, it can be stunning). More recently, three-stone settings (one center stone, with two smaller side stones) have become more common, without becoming a fad.

If She Is Trendy

Does she have to own the latest gadget? Does she read fashion blogs obsessively? Then you will want to choose a modern ring, and these days, glitter is in. The more sparkly (almost outlandishly so), the better. Look for a ring with a sparkly center stone, yet is also surrounded by more diamonds: on the setting, on the band. The cocktail-style ring is a good example of this: it is just shy of being gaudy, which is fashionable at the moment (go figure). Another current marriage proposal trend is the tension mount setting. This ring has the diamond attached, not by a traditional prong setting, but because it is basically squeezed between the two ends of the ring.
If She Is Environmentally Friendly

Choose a conflict-free diamond. This is a diamond which is certified as having been created without a history of bloodshed, theft, or any crimes that are typical of the treacherous diamond trade. It also means that the profit is not funding a military organization or the weaponry trade.
If She Is Unique

Does she shirk the idea of fitting in or being the same as anyone else? If so, a good option for a unique proposal would be to stay away from diamonds altogether. Look into other stones, such as a pearl, emerald, onyx, or even turquoise. However, if she likes diamonds, look into colored variations, such as pink, blue, or even black.

If She Is Rugged

Nothing is worse to an adventurer than having to worrying about losing the stone while you are hiking or climbing trees. For the adventurous woman who doesn’t want to accidentally break her ring, try the bezel, baguette, or etoile settings. This means the diamond is set into the metal, flush with the edge, which gives it a smooth surface. This ensures a hassle-free ring to fit her lifestyle.

If She Is Frugal

It’s true, some women cringe at the idea of their boyfriends spending so much money on a ring. (Lucky you!) To ease her horror (and that of your bank account), choose white gold instead of platinum metal. It looks the same, but is much cheaper. Also, one up-and-coming idea for saving money is by buying a lab-created diamond, instead of a natural one. It, too, looks the same (and many times, even better!), but is drastically less expensive

My Manti Te’o Theory

King Catfish: My Manti Te’o Theory (And How It Could Happen To You)

Two years ago, in conjunction with VSB’s three year anniversary and the release of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night,” we threw a huge party in D.C. Titled “Three Deez,”, it was a mix between a book-signing event, a meet and greet, and a swinger’s ball, and 500 or so people attended, some coming from as far as Seattle and Miami.

That day was also the first time Panama and I met each other in person.

After three years of doing VSB together and six or seven years of knowing each other, we just…never met. There’s really no explanation why. I mean, only four hours separate Pittsburgh and D.C., and I’d actually been to the DMV area a few times in the year before we finally met. It just never happened.

To us, it doesn’t really seem like a big deal. I mean, of course you can start a popular blog and a business and write a book together without face-to-face interaction. We did it because, well, we just did it. Others seem to find it a bit more peculiar than we do, though. Some even think we’re making it up to cultivate some sort of mystique. But, trust me when I say that neither of us care enough about this factoid to carry on a lie this long.

Anyway, as odd as our relationship may initially seem, I don’t think it’s really all that unique. I’ve been pretty engaged with the internet for over a decade now, and in that time I’ve seen numerous people cultivate all types of relationships—friendships, partnerships, businesses—online with people they hadn’t even met in person yet. This knowledge and experience definitely helps me understand how a person could have a “girlfriend” they haven’t even met before, and for this reason I do believe that Manti Te’o was just a victim of the most high-profile case of “catfishing” ever.

(Btw, isn’t it amazingly coincidental—or not coincidental at all—that the year when the term “catfish” enters our national lexicon happens to be the same year the most talked about instance of catfishing ever also happened? This relationship began before Catfish aired, but do you think the fake “death” was at all influenced by the presence of the show?)

There are other theories floating around—he knew all along, he’s gay and the online girlfriend was a convenient beard for him—and each can be true. But, knowing what I know about internet goggles and how easy it can be for someone to cultivate real feelings for a virtual person, I think he was duped, found out about the hoax in the last few weeks, and just went along with it—hoping the truth would never get out—because it would have been too embarrassing to admit.

Now, just as it takes a certain type of person to have the type of relationship Panama and I had, it takes a certain type to fall for someone they haven’t even met. Many (if not most) people would have pushed harder for evidence that the person they were in love with actually existed. But, as we all know, sometimes it’s easier to delude ourselves, to believe in the improbable (and likely impossible) than to just admit the truth. In this sense, Manti Te’o is no different than the chick who’s had a “boyfriend” for three years but still doesn’t know where he lives or what he does for a living, or the guy who “believes” that if he just acts nice and waits his turn, the woman of his dreams will finally give him a key to break out of the friends’ zone. What happened to him has happened to many of us and could have just as easily happened to many of those who it hasn’t happened to.

Actually, nah, f*ck that. This shit is crazy, and that n*gga is nuts.

Anyway, you’ve just read my King Catfish theory. People of VSB, what are yours? What the hell do you think is really happening here?